With tight fingers I hold onto things with the strength of grip pliers. Well past their due date, well past the point of usefulness. In this, I know I am not alone.

I say...

I am sentimental.  I say, I appreciate things, especially if it is given to me and even more so when I had to work hard for it. It's mine. I am territorial.  I am afraid to lose what I have. It's better than nothing. I will fit into it again. I can fix it. It's all I know. New is scary. It's not so bad. I just have to hang in here a little longer.

You might say...

Afraid to let go. Afraid to give it up. Afraid to move on. Territorial Scorpio.

When the blanket someone close to me gave me got caught in the washer machine and started tearing. I said I was sentimental. It's my favorite blanket. It's just a little tear. No big deal. The little tear eventually became a big gaping monstrosity and started leaving bits of itself behind. I said "Someone" gave it to me and it was expensive to replace.

That guy I once dated that could have killed me. I sigh...(there are literally no words for that one)

The Honda CRV that I kept for about 10 or 12 years.  No car payments. You know what that is like? It is not something one wants to give up. Admittedly it was a death trap. I wept as they drove it off. It took me three days to fully connect with my new truck. It took even longer to grasp the concept...I still don't have car payments. Thanks Babe.

The other guy before I got married. 5 off and on years too many. But I have kids. I actually said....I wanted stability for my kids. (did you see the part about off and on years?) Well that doesn't matter now.... because my husband was just a breath of fresh air and I said....why did I wait so long to be happy?

The preconceived idea about "traditional" couples. I held onto that hook line and sinker. Until my daughter said, guess what mom?

I truly believed that working hard was the way to go. You work hard for what you want and you will never go without, you will sleep soundly at night and never have to depend on someone to take care of you. I worked hard, missed almost every dinner with my children, depended on sitters and neighbors to make sure they got homework done and to bed on time. Missed socializing, missed so many opportunities for a better quality of life. I still went without. 

Things I stated as a child and had forgotten in the busyness of my half life. Put aside so much so that my health was actually affected to the point of becoming disabling. I was holding on to a way of life that no longer made sense. No longer made me happy. I was afraid to let go and find my spectacular me buried under layers of rules, hurt and concepts that did not matter to any one but me. 

Those people that hurt me, moved on to the next without a look back while I lay wallowing silently in hurt, broken. Working like a fiend to barely scrape by and to avoid dealing with a shattered childhood.  Afraid to fully realize my full potential. 

But I found love. Love has the power to help you let go, gives you the courage to surge forward into the light, be who you always were before the layers of life, good, bad and indifferent snuffed out your glow.

I am learning day by day that letting go is not as horrific as I imagined. I have found it is actually freeing. Liberating. It opens up spaces for new and better things. Things like a new truck, A husband worthy man, a nice wedding ring upgrade, new business partners, more motivation to go to the gym, a closet not stuffed to the rim with unnecessary excess but enough.

Now I am happy to let go. Mindful to look forward and not back. Letting go so I could let go and move forward. Why did I wait so long?

Let go of guilt. Let go of Hurt. Let go of doubt. The act of letting go is so freeing, so empowering, so fulfilling. I give myself permission to let go. To be happy, To be successful, to not just exist, but to live. And live abundantly. To smile when I wake up because I have a purpose that is ruled by me. Not designated by someone who is half a continent away enjoying a life I was not on the fast track to partake of. I am master of my own destiny and I am taking the off road version.